0x02 Snapshots

Flareonz44 - March 10 2024

I was walking, probably in a park or an open place, I don’t remember well. My memory is really blurry, but I know I was walking. Suddenly, I look up and see her. I look her straight in the eyes. I was more surprised by my reaction than by the fact that I had found her. She was long gone. She no longer meant anything to me. But there she was. And I looked at her. And I smiled at her. And she smiled at me. But we kept walking, each one in his own direction. After a while, we passed each other again. Again we looked at each other. And again we smiled at each other. And so on three more times. Always walking straight, always crossing each other again. But each time we were a little closer. Until finally, we stood face to face and looked at each other. We walked to a corner and started talking.

I remember that at that moment, as I was talking, the whole conversation made sense, everything was perfectly connected. And I was happy. I was very happy to be there again with her talking. I didn’t understand why, I would have to hate her, I would have to leave, but no. There she was talking. I don’t remember what I said exactly, but I do remember that we both apologized. That she apologized to me and I apologized to her. And we hugged. One part of me wanted to kiss her but the other knew that it was no longer possible, that it was a thing of the past. Then I realized. I realized that I was actually happy because we asked for forgiveness. Because I could talk to her again, because now everything could go on as if we had always been just friends. As if we had known each other since kindergarten. As if she and I had grown up together, almost like siblings.

Suddenly, people who had hurt me in the past started to approach me, and she just wouldn’t look at them. She took me away from them. I didn’t feel insecure anymore, finally everything was gone. Null was no longer there. She was protecting me somehow.

Then came the goodbye. To my surprise it was a very good thing, because I felt that by saying goodbye to her, I was doing something good for both of us. I felt that I was saying goodbye to a lifelong friend. I felt that I was saying goodbye to a friend who is leaving for a trip to another country. I would probably never see her again. But I was saying goodbye and see you soon. So was she. We both knew it was not possible for us to be together. But we crossed paths there to repair that which was pending. And with that, with that embrace we managed to close that circle of pain, which at least for me has been tormenting me for so long. I would never see her again. I would never be able to touch and hug her again. But I was happy to say goodbye, to say thank you and to let her go. Then I faded away. The world just faded into void.

I arranged my blankets to cover myself better.

Just as a movie is made up of many scenes, our life can be divided into different scenes as well. But unlike movies, we have the ability to create different snapshots of the people we know. Different versions of the same person. It is true that in reality it is always the same person, that those snapshots are actually incomplete because they do not capture the full essence of the people, but just as a camera captures only what the lens perceives, our snapshots only capture what we see, smell, feel and hear at that precise moment with that person. That’s why we may have a song or a smell associated with a memory or a snapshot of a specific person.

Sometimes we simply want to be with that version of the person again, because that version is the one that made us happy, that is the version with which we feel complete and fulfilled, even if that version is incomplete. It is very interesting this ability to take snapshots. I feel as if we can mentally reuse it over and over again and relive each of those happy moments. It allows us to somehow go back to that moment, just as if it were real, as if we were there.

As I said, snapshots are not complete as they do not capture the whole person in a single photo. In the same way that we need many photos to capture all the angles of a house, we would need thousands of snapshots to capture a whole person. And even then, they will never be enough.

Sometimes, when we find ourselves in the dark, when the torch is about to be extinguished, we sometimes resort to take one of these images and appreciate them. Or better yet. Emulate them. As if it were a snapshot of a virtual machine, to live that moment again, to feel again that happiness of seeing her smile, of seeing her laugh, completely forgetting everything that would come later, everything that was happening behind that beautiful picture.

Day to day in this virtual machine does not let me run these snapshots. I don’t have the necessary privileges. But at night, when everything seems to fade away, when darkness is already advancing over the city of every mind, I can close my eyes, and with some luck, run this snapshot. I know that when I open my eyes again, the snapshot will finish its execution, but at least, I will feel that while it lasted, I was happy. And by the time I open my eyes, some of that happiness will be left as crumbs on the plate, letting me know that something nice happened while I was closing my eyes.

In my pocket I have a flash drive where I keep each and every one of these snapshots. But only the ones I can use to remember when I was happy. I keep them encrypted, so that no one but me can see them. I always carry them with me, because I know that sooner or later, the darkness will come and I must be ready. Many say that I am a great warrior, that I am made of steel. But the truth is that I am as vulnerable as everyone else. The difference is in how I face that darkness. That is what makes me strong.

It’s getting cold. The darkness is coming. My hands are in my pockets. My right hand grips the flash drive tightly.

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